From early years, I’ve had a hate-love relationship to mathematics. Everything I’ve been interested in have revolved around mathematics, but my confidence in mathematics have varied much in degree.
The abstractness of mathematics in comparison to most other things in life. The general perception that mathematics is in fact, incredibly challenging. The one subject that in broad terms divide people into groups – the geniuses and the non-geniuses.
Growing up, my largest interest have been computers. Hardware, Software, Algorithms. Programming is my purest interest in the sense that the programs never fail, only your code fails. There truly are no bugs, there are only mistakes.
I’ve spent most of my time around computers. But I’ve also always spent most of my time dodging mathematics as much as possible when working with software. Why? I’ve never felt particularly good at it – more often, I’ve felt particularly bad at it. Which in itself, is a magnificent lie, constructed in my mind and my mind only.
During my years at university I’ve been studying Computer Science, which mostly involves coding but also quite a far bit of mathematics. It has been daunting. Not in the sense that I haven’t performed well – rather the opposite. Buy my ego have been hurt over and over. Each and every time I’ve completed a math course with the highest grade, I’ve felt psychologically hurt. And I can’t explain why.
For my masters degree I’ve chosen to study Machine Learning, which is a branch of Computer Science revolving around nothing but mathematics. Why? I had to challenge my inner belief and sense of inability to do well in mathematics.
I’ve been doing really well. I’ve produced great results.
But still, my confidence in mathematics is still severely lacking and have barely changed. Inner change does not come from external validation and results. Inner change is the result of an internal change of thoughts and nothing else.
Today, on the 17th of April 2017 – I’ve set my mind to change my inner core beliefs. At the end of this year, I am to trust my mathematical self more than ever before. I am to find myself in the mystic of numbers.
How? You might wonder.
By consuming math from a different perspective. To indulge my senses in the wonders of numbers all around us. To explore.
Life is too short to be consumed by limiting thoughts.